Без названия…


Там, на небесах, я встретил бога. Или мне обещали, что я его встречу. Или я так думал… Как будто что-то забыл. Как будто что-то было забыто. Как будто я давно оставил что-то — любовь, что даже сама мысль об этом причиняет мне страх. Боюсь. Чего – непонятно. Так страшно, что даже не хочется говорить об этом, даже не хочется думать. Как всегда, как во всём, как со всеми. А со всеми – это как? Каково это – со всеми? Если ты любишь – тебе не надо доказательства того, что ты любишь. Если любишь – это не вызывает вопросов, это априори, это по умолчанию. Если возникает вопрос – это от ума. Это от неверия. Это от того, что это не так. Что-то не так. Что-то давно не так, слишком давно, настолько давно, что я уже привык к этому «не так», привык настолько, что «не так» стало для меня уже «так». И мне хочется изменить это, хочется сделать  «так», но настолько уже непривычное привычно, что я не знаю уже, зачем, надо ли, хочется ли…

Любовь…  А что это такое вообще? Кто мне ответит? Кто знает, люди? И в ответ – только сердце тихонечко, из-за угла, из самой дальней морозильной камеры: «Тук-тук». Тихонечко так и в то же время настойчиво. Тук-тук – идут часы нашей жизни. Тук-тук – обещают конец света, а я еще не люблю. Тук-тук – я скоро стану совсем большой, совсем старый, совсем одинокий, радостный и нищий. Тук-тук – и не открыть нельзя. Не смогу пройти мимо, не посмотреть. Не хочу. Тук-тук – кто там? Это ты. Это я. Это мы. Так давно это было. Так больно. Так хорошо. Так глупо. Так нежно. Так нужно. Так это было?.. Или будет? Или есть?

Я другой. Я не тот, не прежний. Я не жду. Я пустее. Я грубее. Я тверже. Я выше. Я безразличнее. Я дальше. Я холоднее. Я мертвее. Я глубже. Я боязливее.

Вскрыться, вскрыться хочется, как консервная банка, старым ржавым ножом, без боли, без крика – на съедение. Я устал бояться. Я устал бороться. Я хочу света. Тепла и любви.

Я – оболочка. Я – призрак. Я домино – черные шашечки в ужасную розочку, неприступную  и бездомную, маленькую и одинокую. Одичавшую. Как хочется всё это сломать.

26.08.12


Без названия…: 654 комментария

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